What my depression looks like
My best mate and I do a weekly writing session, we haven’t done one in about six weeks, I really missed them.
Our last topic was “Euphoria” but this week, we went the complete opposite route and decided to focus on depression.
Depression runs in my family, I’ve definitely had my fair share of low moments.
I used to work for Thames Water, one of the largest water utilities companies in the UK, that was the nice thing about having a fair share of experience with community and social, it took me to a lot of different industries, I probably would never have a chance
But in 2021, I decided after 20 years of being in social, I’m going back to the Godfather of social — message boards and egroups, I was done.
But how do you survive, when you give 20 years of your life to an industry and quite honestly, as rewarding as it could be (depending on the company culture) it’s a VERY THANKLESS JOB.
What does my depression look like? London had a big problem with “fatbergs” particular in highly dense areas filled with restaurants, they weren’t following simply protocols of how the disposed their cooking oils. A big NO NO, you never put it down the drain.
Imagine hundreds of restaurants operating at the same speed, oils being dump down the drain left and right, along with things that shouldn’t be flushed down the toilet (we won’t go there today) but it all adds up, hence creating a fatberg.
My depression looks like a fatberg, it causes all sorts of problems and just makes me feel incredibly low. I never thought of it as a fatberg before until this exercise.
I feel this huge weight, almost like a blockage; it’s hard to explain, but my energy is completely depleted, like a once healthy bank account running into the negative. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get myself out of the negative, life seems hopeless, and as the world passes me by with sounds of laughter and joy, I feel numb. Will I ever be able to laugh again? Will I ever be able to smile again? Will I ever be able to find my voice again? I’m voiceless, helpless.
If I get even 0.1% energy back, it quickly gets consumed by my negative thoughts.
Sleep would be nice, but my mind won’t let me sleep. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts; there is a blank piece of paper intently staring at me and piecing me with its intense look. I can’t write as much as I would like to; again, I’m voiceless and helpless.
I don’t know what to do with my life; why the fuck am I even here? Why did my parents decide to conceive me? Now, I feel I have nothing to contribute to the world. What is my purpose? I wish I knew.
I miss how I used to feel; nothing can phase me, nothing could bring me down — now, to someone, an odd comment, which I would dismiss as trivial, would shake me to the core most of the time.
Social media is shit; I’ve built my career being a social media specialist, I want out, 20 years of what? And now we have TikTok; I don’t understand it, I feel like I’m suffering from imposter syndrome; did I learn something these last 20 years? Or am I just kidding myself, will this writer’s block I’ve been suffering with for years will ever rise? Can I prevent it from happening again?
I don’t want to depend on “likes” “comments” to make me feel good; I don’t want other people’s praises to make me feel good; I want to make myself feel good, compliments I will take and accept if I get over this shit, but they will be a secondary extension. An afterthought.
I don’t want to rely on validation from others; I feel that contributes to my depression because when the validation stops, who is my audience? Now I don’t have any validation; no one sees me or hears me; I’m a dotless dot in society. Life is just passing me by; I’m trying so hard to get out of this, but just being misunderstood causes and fuels my frustrations; I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I know one thing for sure.
I’m done working in social media; the end.