Toxicity in UK Charities & Finding Peace

It’s been seven years since my father has passed away, I was working for a UK charity at the time, in this blog I won’t be mentioning names or the charities, but I think this could be healing for someone who may be going through a similar situation like I did.

Today I wrote three letters, to three people who’s toxic behaviour got the best of me, it made me feel timid, it made me feel scared to approach them. Can you imagine that? When you have to speak to a Head of an department on a day-to-day basis.

You would think charities are the greatest places to work, well it’s rewarding but there’s too many people trying to race to the top, some of them need to check their egos at the door and really try to understand their temper tantrums creates animosity in the workplace.

But I have to tell you, writing these three letters it was so healing. And to my surprise, because of their previous treatment towards me, I actually got an apology for two out of three. I so needed to hear their accountability for their actions, for years I have kept this inside. Not anymore, but I’m not the type to name and shame people.

The third one, I don’t think they will ever apologise, the way they would apologise at the charity, they would have someone else “delivery” the apology for them. It happened to me the first day I met them, after I came back from my bereavement. I did email them a couple of years ago, when I felt strong enough to try to have an open dialogue, but I just might have to let this go and embrace the others, which I have a new found respect for.

Yosemite Sam and I are going to be talking on Friday, which I’m really looking forward to.

But here is my letter to Queen B and her response, during my time at the charity her temper tantrums would remind me of the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. I often wonder, did anyone ever talk like that to her? Was there something more going on? Why did she look at me like I was some bug she wanted to squash? Despite what goes on it someone’s personal life, I don’t think it’s an excuse to treat people badly in the workplace. But during that time “inclusiveness” wasn’t on the radar, but it should’ve been, especially for a charity.

But I hope this inspires you to maybe confront your office bullies on a one-to-one basis, but give yourself time because timing is everything. If you were to confront them too soon, they may not be humble enough to admit their some of their actions were not appropriate. Or you may be too emotional to

And they could even have their own awakening about their behavioural patterns, maybe they got called out on it? In any case, I’m glad to close the chapter with Queen B, I wish her all the best. If she is reading this, thank you for your apology and message, it really means a lot. I have faith you are treating those who report into you much better, it gives me hope people can change.

Dear Queen B,

It’s been seven years since my father passed away, I’m going through all these “closure” emotions. It’s actually taken me seven years to write this message to you. I hope you’re well, I hope you got a chance to check out my“I’m over it” poem, about 10% of it was the toxic behaviour I experienced at ABFAB Charity*. Now you were always tough, always stern, always straight to the point, but very unapproachable.

You scared me at times with your temper tantrums, I guess it was easier for you to get away with it because of the position you were in.

For someone like me, I’m quiet, but very switched on, I’m not aloof or if I come off aloof, it’s actually my way of getting people when they let their guard down and show me their real colours, I will tell you something, you didn’t disappoint me (not in a good way).

I observe people’s behaviours and the way they treat people. In order to protect myself from your “Queen B” wrath. Now that you’re an executive at GoodWork*, I hope their good work has helped you tap into some empathy, and greater understanding of inclusion for your team.

So they can feel like they can approach you, because there’s nothing worse having a manager you can’t approach. Although I’ve found my voice, I’m not as shy or timid as I once was.

But given the fact I lost my dad, when you lose a parent — it changes you. You’re never that same person again. But I’m slowly returning back to my former self, with therapy, mindfulness and the process of confronting and letting go.

There is one instance I want to highlight with you, I will never forget the day Yosemite Sam* called me on the phone, you and I were both at WONDERLAND*. He broke the news I was being let go, you know the real reason why I was grinning ear to ear? I didn’t burst into tears like someone in my position would’ve?

I knew way before any of you, about my manager THE BEST MANAGER EVER* found a new role. I was so happy and so proud of them, They were the best manager ever. If ABFAB charity* could clone BEST MANAGER EVER, it would’ve been a less toxic place, trust me.

I got a kick my former manager the Pipe Piper* was amused when I told him, he was nice to me as well.

THE BEST MANAGER EVER* and I were close, I don’t know if you guys were expecting that or not, but if you guys thought we would clash and I would leave? It truly backfired.

Your tone that day after Yosemite Sam told you THE BEST MANAGER EVER* found another role and they had let me go beforehand. ABFAB* was left without a social team.

My goodness I never heard you speak so nice to me, so kind to me. It felt weird, especially when you brought up the fact “think about how much ABFAB means to this country?” All I kept thinking if that was your tone 24/7/365 you would’ve been one of the nicest managers.

I thought to myself, if that was just an act, just to get me to stay because of poor planning of this restructure? But really, had you been this nice to me from day one, I think we would’ve got on well. QUEEN B WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE HAS NICE QUEEN B BEEN THE LAST YEAR?!

But I did give you the respect and listened, but honestly after everything I didn’t think I owed you or the charity anything. If it wasn’t so toxic, I would’ve been empathic.

I almost felt sorry, it reminded me of that trainwreck interview at BREAKING NEWS* with BIG BOSS*, you looked like you had just lost your best friend.

I knew someone was going to be in hot water with BIG BOSS, knowing I was let go and BEST MANAGER EVER found another role. . I felt like I should have given you a hug and comforted you.

But let’s be honest with each other, if BEST MANAGER EVER had stayed. You wouldn’t have given me the soppy speech right? You don’t have to answer, but I think you and I are both mature enough and intelligent enough to know what was going on.

I won’t mention their name, but they were very clued on to everything too. They told me I should’ve taken ABFAB to a tribunal and they were willing to put themselves on the line to support me.

I was very touched but at the end of it, I thought it would’ve been a waste of time, a waste of energy and I didn’t want to send you over the edge with a BREAKING NEWS* story, with no fixed #TeamSocial on deck.

But my friend wanted to do a story on toxic behaviour in charities, she wanted to use me as a case study. But I passed. There comes a point where you reflect on those who have done you wrong, but you say … well they really don’t add much value to my life and my career.

Just let it go, but in time, the truth will come out not in a media sense, but on a one to one. I don’t expect you to respond to this, I think you’re too tough, that this won’t make you upset. You might just delete it, but I can’t begin to tell you how good it feels. If I ever see you at a marketing event, I’ll be respectful but don’t expect me to be singing your high praises in public.

I wouldn’t even diss you in public either, that’s not me. I’m not here to name or shame anyone. I believe and maybe this is the Brit in me, taking up things privately, swiftly and just be done with it. Like now. QUEEN B*, I’m over it.

Queen B, thank you so much for this letter. I wish you and your colleagues all the best during this crazy time we’re living in. Take care.

And her response

Peta,

Thank you for your message, and having the guts to write to me like this. It sounds like you’ve been through some tough stuff.

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience whilst we were working together seven years ago.

I too recollect it being a really challenging period for a number of reasons (to do both with internal change and dynamics, as well as the external environment).

In recent years I have done a lot listening and reflecting, and have learnt a lot from doing so.

I intend to go on learning and I value receiving your feedback. I hope it helps you to have shared it too. I wish you well in your journey.

All the best,

Queen B*